Monday, February 4, 2013

1/27 Three Weeks

It's an incredulous feat for me to believe that tomorrow marks three weeks since the fire.  Even after almost a month, it all still seems so surreal.  I keep saying that I just can't wrap my brain around it, and it's true.  I know that my house is gone, my possessions are gone, my kitty is gone, but deep down, it really hasn't quite hit yet.  I still feel half as if I'm living someone else's nightmare, and half as if I'm on vacation.

Being with family is amazing, and it's so easy to forget that anything is amiss outside of the warmth of their love and their family.  I LOVE being here.  They've often said that they live in a bubble, and I'm so glad that I've been privileged enough to be a part of their bubble for the past three weeks.  It's an amazing place surrounded by love and laughter.  No wonder it's so easy to forget that my worldly possessions fit in one room and a personal box trailer.

Then I look at something simple, like my new bath mitt and realize, "Wow.  Even THIS is gone.  EVERYTHING is gone..."  and I'm floored again.  The terrible truth of what has actually happened comes rising to the surface again.  I can't deal with it.  I'm not ready to deal with it.  I wonder if I'll EVER be ready to deal with it....  And if I CAN'T ever deal with it, how will I ever move on?


Caring Lady said...

You will move on because it is what you HAVE to do. You will do it for your kids as much as for you and your entire family. New beginnings will be hard, but they can also be fun. The shock will eventually become a reality for you and that is when you will be able to deal with it. Time is the only healer so you need to be patient and let time do it's job! Love encompasses you all and always will! <3

dannyscotland said...

I just want to hug you. It is going to take a long time. The hurt will probably always be there in some form, but it will get smaller, and you will eventually learn to live kind of around it. This will, someday, be simply a horrible, horrible memory. A terrible story you tell people, and then move on. But you have to go through the grief process, just as people do who lose loved ones. I know that you are thankful to have your family and that you did not eat those spaghetti sandwiches in your house that night. But it doesn't make the hurt any less, and doesn't mean that you shouldn't be grieving. And frankly, anyone who says anything less than supportive to you about whatever caused that fire is not worth diddly squat as far as I'm concerned. So you just ignore those people. Where ever you go from now, you will make new memories, new happy memories, and while any new house will not be the same, you will make it a home, because you will have your family there. It will become a happy place, because you will have your children and your husband there. You will rebuild, your house and yourself, but it takes a lot longer than three weeks. Hang in there, keep letting those feelings out, keep doing whatever you need to to heal. Keep remembering that there are lots of people who do truly care, and that it is okay to be hurt and sad and angry and to feel lost. But you won't feel this way forever.