2/11 Sinking Ship

Lord, I'm trying to stay positive.  I trying to remain optimistic  but it's getting so, SO difficult.   I'm trying to remember that you hold us in the palm of your hand, but I feel like I'm on a sinking ship, and I do NOT want to go down.

I'm waiting for a life raft, but I fear that the undertow is too strong for just a little dinghy.  At this point in time, my saving ship needs to be much, MUCH bigger.

It's getting too late.  it's been too long.  It's been too hard.  The ship is sinking down ever. so. slowly., but it's definitely going down.

It's been too long.  I'm too far from land, and I'm loosing hope.

2/7 Nothing to pass down

I'm so sad for myself and for my kids that I won't have anything from their early years to give them when they're older.  I'm so sad I don't anything from my younger years anymore.  I loved seeing Thing II play with and love things that were mine when I was a child.  I loved knowing that Thing I would be able to give his kids the wooden train sets he played with as a child.  I'm so sad that all of that's gone now.

I'm so sad that I won't be able to give them the outfits they were home from the hospital   I won't be able to give them their hospital blankets, the crocheted hats from the hospital, their favorite baby toys -their hospital pictures.

I so sad for them that all of their toys are gone.  I know that they had too many.  I know toys can be re-bought  but their toys were, in their minds, their worldly possessions, and they're gone, and it sucks.  And I can't keep them from that pain.

It sucks that Thing I has been dying to play Skylanders and wants back off of his figures   It sucks that I had to order online Thing II's replacement bedtime lovies and tell her they had to be sent back to the stores to be fixed after the fire, and that's why they look new and unloved.  (Thing II, if future you is reading this, and you've just now figured it out, 1.) I'm sorry, and 2.)  You're still awfully naive if you've really bought that story after all this time, and 3.) I love you (and your brother) soooo much to come up with that story and keep it going all these years.)

I am thankful that I have their ultrasound pictures.....

........uuummmmmm......

...........I thought that I would have more to list in here before I added:

THEIR LIVES.

Obviously their lives are the most precious things.  They cannot be replaced.  For having that listed among that which I have left after the fire, I am forever grateful.

2/6 Part II Happy Times

I want you to know that there is joy in my life as well.  This has not yet crushed me; it has not consumed me. I have love and laughter.  I have friends and family.  I have MUCH love and MUCH laughter.

For this and more, I am lucky.  For this and more, I am forever thankful.

2/6 Seeing Flames

I can't remember the fire.  I know that it happened.  I remember it happening, but I can't vividly recall any images of it.

I remember what happened.  I remember that we pulled up and it looked like a fire in the driveway.  I remember how the flames quickly shot out the other side of the back of the house.  I remember moaning and crying "Oh my GOD!!!" when the flames came through the front windows, and I certainly can't forget the feeling of complete despair when the flames were coming out of both kids' bedroom windows upstairs.

I don't remember the fire trucks arriving -at all...  And that's odd because there were tons and tons of fire trucks.  I don't remember when my friends got there, or when the HUGE crowds arrived.  I do remember wondering why the fire police were allowing so many spectators -many with children, to stand so close to a burning house.  What if the windows blew out (before they were all smashed out)?  What if the house collapsed and rained debris on everyone?  How could these people not be worried about these things?  Didn't they have fire safety in school?

I remember there being thick, black smoke.  I remember that the flames were bright and hot and angry.  I can't see it in my mind though.  I know that I've looked at house fires on TV shows/movies/commercials, and that is NOT how our home looked.

I can't tell you how our home looked.

I don't remember.

I don't think that I WANT to remember.

2/5 Things Lost

Every day I see another reminder of things that we lost; of things that are gone.  Yes, I know that these are just things and that most of them can be replaced.  However replacing them is a daunting task, and I haven't even really begun to thing about it yet.

With each realization of things lost, from bath scrubbies to microwaves, to toys to movies to furniture, from clothing to cookware to scrapbooks (which had hours and hours and loving work poured into them) each one is like a new stab in the heart.  It makes everything new and real again.  It bursts my bubble of comfort, and it leaves me careening helplessly out of control.  I am lucky that it's usually a short plummet as my family and friends are there at just the right moment, and they catch me, but the jolt of it is still searing.

I feel horribly guilty about this fire.  I feel guilty that I cannot protect my children from the grief they feel over it.  In a matter of minutes, their lives were shattered and they'll never be the same again.  We can rebuild.  We can re-buy, but things will never again be the same.

And perhaps I should think of that with joy.  Afterall, how many people get to re do EVERYTHING (material) all over again?...  But then again, we have to do EVERYTHING all over again.

...And for someone who gets overwhlemed just looking at some small replacement items, EVERYTHING is a lot.

2/4 I am MAD!

Forward:  When you read this, do not be offended by it.  It was written out of frustration, desperation and PMS.  I really do appreciate everyone's warm wishes and kind words.  PMS is a monster.

I am mad!

I don't want words of encouragement today.  I don't need words of encouragement.  I need  house!  I need the insurance company to come through.  I need someplace that is mine so that I can feel like a real person again.

It's not that I don't appreciate the kind words -ah, crap!  who am I kidding?!  Today, I DON'T appreciate them.  They just make me angry.  Everything makes me angry...  And it's hard to be angry when you're trying to be kind.  It's hard to be angry when you have happy, innocent, smiling faces looking up at you.  It's hard to be angry when you're out of your comfort zone.

I want to be angry.  I want to yell!  I want to scream!  I want to throw things!  I want to tell the whole world to F&*K off!  I am angry, and I can't do anything about it.

I'm so, so angry, and everything makes it worse.

I'm sick.  I'm tired.  I have PMS.  I'm homeless, and I'm angry.

I want to go home.

2/2 Forgetting

I am starting to forget.  It's starting to fade...  already.

I'm not sure what it is that I'm starting to forget, but I can feel it slipping away.

Sometimes, during everyday routines, I startle myself when I remember this is not the way it's always been.  I realize that this is, in a sense, wrong.  This is not my life.  This is a borrowed life.  I'm getting too comfortable. -Who ever thought that would be a problem??

Leaving here is going to be hard -for all of us.  It's going to be another way of life ripped away from us.  I don't know if I'm ready for it yet.  I don't know if I'm ready to face the rest of the world; to face the whole truth.  I'm warm and safe here.

...But I'm settling in too deep, and I'm starting to forget.